Love Confession - The man I met down the street.

Day and night, my only job was to wonder what love truly is.

I set an objective for myself: to understand why the whole world feels weak enough to cry to embrace their loved one — yet strong enough to endure the pain of longing, with that single four-letter word in their hearts: LOVE.

Is love truly so powerful that it can make a human miserable?

Or is it merely an illusion created by lonely souls, desperate to feel cherished and protected?

If love is something so grand that people would die for it… Well, for me, death itself is an unknown beginning. We’re all afraid of what’s unpredictable, of what we don’t understand.

Just as we’re scared by the thought of being controlled by aliens, we’re afraid of dying — except, perhaps, those whose stories we read about in the newspapers every day.

Dear diary, in my quarter of a hundred years of life, I’ve only fantasized about it.

I’ve thought about it, imagined it, and pictured it just as they show it in the movies.

Is love beautiful compared to watching a flower Bloom? Is it prettier than the smile of a child? Is it as soothing as a hot chocolate in - 10 degrees Celsius?

The night it begins...

I, a walker in a maze of life, got trapped in a random mirror placed by a stranger, in which I can only see myself looking at him and his bare back, which never turned towards me.

"I, Jully, welcome you all to the Radio 101 special show, 'Love Confession' in my voice, Jully."

"It's been a while since this show started and maintained its position in top charts every week, but today's show is different, today, I am not reading a love story of anyone, today I am pouring my feelings, my love confession. "

"Again, welcome to the show, love confession, A tale of Jully by Jully".

Amid a dark night with the rhythms of the rain and the honking of cars, I saw him for the first time, coming out of a TV broadcasting company just across the street from this radio station. Trust me, it was not the love at first sight, nor the attractive, perfect solitude of his formal wear and pleasant smile, even though it was raining cats and dogs, and the road was as busy as it could be. When I myself was drowning in the hurry of getting home by at least 1 AM, so that I can sleep and cure my dark circles, this guy was happily walking with an umbrella.

Being devoted to work and sleep, I love the rainy season as I can easily find romantic couples who celebrate these small moments. In this love season, I can easily get stories and get a good sleep. This man gave a story smell across the street. I want to talk to him, I wanted to know his story and how he got lucky to find love, which I never understood till now. I had the courage to cross the street and talk to him, but I didn't have the courage to disturb his sunny smile, which people claim that when they are in love, their smiles shine.

So, I did what a liberal, civil person should do: I went to him.

"Hello, are you waiting for someone?"- How stupid can I be? This was my first sentence to this man who is basically walking down the street, minding his own business. Instead of a mean comment, which I was expecting, he calmly smiled and said, "I am off to a coffee shop, miss. May I help you?"

I was stunned for a moment, a perfect solitude plus a voice that can soothe a tsunami, what a deadly combination.

I don't know where I got the crazy courage to join him at the coffee shop. Oh my god knows- how much I was in need of my bed, but here I am on a wooden chair sitting in front of a stranger, with my complete guard down and brain on rest.

We introduced ourselves, our profession, and I got to know, he is on a night shift today and collecting coffee for his teammates even though he is a team leader.

He was spot on with my imaginary man checklist, I mean, where can you find a humble boss nowadays? I wrap with not at all, asking about his love story, but exchanging cards.

That's how I met him, or rather, I found him.

After a long shadow of unbearable dark clouds, I met him again, in the same place, the coffee shop. I do not know how and why I end up in that coffee shop every single day. It's like my soul is enchanted to the road we walked together and hails its prayers to bring him to the same place at the same time.

And that afternoon, someone answered that prayer, and his grace walked in like a spring flower. All I could do was welcome him with a smile. He sat down across me, asking how I have been lately.

Was this the question I wanted to hear for a while? My heart was exploding, not from the love but from the question. All I was asked was whether I had food or not... Am I down for the party next weekend... About money and work-related stuff.

He is the first to ask me genuinely how I was, and I said, "Listening for love without even knowing it."

His face, trust me, was so satisfying to turn his calm face into a confused one.

I laughed and said, "I am a radio host, as you know, and narrating love stories is what I do, and ironically, I never loved someone." As I was going to have a sip, he said,

"You love yourself, isn't it the first step of understanding love?" And again, he left me numbed. Before my stupid mind can think of a reply, He continued,

"And one can only love someone if they know what they are loving exactly, body. That is lust, money that is being materialistic, but if one looks for the strengths and flaws of a person at the same time, respects their choices, and feels the presence of the soul. Isn't that love? And it does start with the feel of the connection with your own soul."

This man drowned me in a pool filled with the stories that I have listened to over the past three years. Countless stories and all gave the same message, which this guy put in simple two lines, and BOOM, miracle, I understand. I know what those people meant, what they convey. I was grateful to the guy I found down the street. I think I am one step ahead in love. Or maybe I was in love with him all along, and his presence made me understand what I could not see, which was in front of me. Nevertheless, our coffee visits have become a once-a-week thing, or sometimes, when the stars align, it increases to two.

We talked, walked, and talked about the stuff that often is at the back of the head and never openly expressed in conversations. The household & work talks were not the cup of our coffee.

Without knowing, I was falling deeper and slower than ever, in love with a man who was making me question my sanity by just existing.

And the moment I realized that I am in love, not just with the idea of it, it was devastating.

The gush of jealousy, astonishment, speechlessness, sadness, and disappointment all killed me once when I saw him helping a pregnant woman, and an office boy shouted, " Rao Madam!! You left your medicine bag." Rao!! It's his surname, and how caring he was at those steps proves that they have known each other for a while.

In a second, when I could process anything, he was gone in a car with her.

Those ten to fifteen minutes of talk a week, five minutes of coffee left me miserable in a feeling that I understood because of him. He took my bare hand and unknowingly craved a love line which does spell his name, but he can not read.

Here I am today, knowing what it is like to love, how good it is to be in love. I still love him, yes, I do, but I am not waiting for him, nor do I want anyone else to free me from this.

I am in love with myself looking at his back, which was never mine.

Does it hurt?

No, I never loved him to be loved. It just happened, unknowingly, beautifully. It does not hurt, but teaches. The first love of mine is unrequited, but so glowing that I am having a golden halo of wisdom and purity. He taught me a different language with which I came closer to myself.

"Alas! this is my story, and here your host and dost Jully takes her goodbyes and leaves you with a song perfect for this night, 'The Night We Met by Lord Huron'. "

~Floe

(Comment below for Part II)